Hawkeye Republican

AND THE WINNER IS...France, so clearly France.

SURELY, THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE: Rankings issued in 2005--from political persuasions to good driving--conclusively proved that Cedar Rapids and Iowa City are the best cities ever. Yes, that's right New York, you may be a "big apple," but you certainly aren't as mommy friendly or passionate about football.

According to today's Cedar Rapids Gazette, Cedar Rapids and Iowa City were stand-outs in several national rankings. Here's a rundown:

Mommy friendly
According to Babyfit.com, Cedar Rapids rated 18th nationwide among Healthiest Cities for Pregnancy. TomKat--ditch the sonogram machine and move to Iowa.

Excellent Driving...despite the influx of Illini
All-state Insurance determined that Cedar Rapids drivers were No. 1 in avoiding collisions. As a reward, All-State gave free gasoline to more than 820 area drivers. Tired of fender benders? Move to Iowa...and hey, I know what you're thinking, the low number of accidents had nothing to do with our small population...

Politically Diverse--It's a Good Thing
A San Francisco-based think tank, Bay Area Center for Voting Research, determined that Cedar Rapids is the 97th most liberal and the 141st most conservative city in America. How awesome. We are politically tolerant and we keep our pregnant women healthy by not running them off the road.

Hearting the Hawkeyes is Right for America
According to The Sporting News, Iowa City is the best college football town in America. Iowa City also ranked 49th in the best sports cities list, while Cedar Rapids ranked 310th. Go Hawks! But clearly, the Kernels are not carrying their weight.

We are Ridiculously Smart
Expansion Magazine ranked Iowa City seventh nationwide in the most "Ph.D.s per capita." Oh yeah, and there's that Ames place too.

Ready to move to Iowa? Great.

BEST TAX SYSTEM OF THE YEAR: Oh Estonia, you little Baltic devil you! Way to have a great system of taxation.

SCOTT HURFF MAKES READING WORTHWHILE: Check out his thoughts on America.

AND THE NOMINEES ARE...

1. France--From "civil unrest" to voting down the EU constitution, France had a dizzying year of failure. Arthur's Hall puts it best:

France is without a doubt, the most insecure country with any sort of standing in the world. Their constant temper tantrums and stagnant economy should serve to remind us of what the French themselves have suspected for a long time. France does not deserve their current place in the world. France is a worthless country populated by a bunch of insecure socialist women...As the French tantrums for attention and respect continue it only serves to cause us to further question their place in the world. What has France contributed to the world or to freedom in the past 100 or even 200 years? Little to nothing that doesn't involve food, that's for sure. But was there really a time when France was powerful, or when they did matter? I suppose so, but as they botched their revolution, the man who took control of their pathetic little country, Napoleon, wasn't even French. He was Corsican and he grew up hating the French political system for its class based power structure, which he promptly dismantled. Even then, as Napoleon terrorized the monarchies of Europe who weren't accustomed to fighting real wars, his lack of Naval power meant he was never a threat to a real country like England.

Even Napoleon, France's greatest little conqueror, is worthless. That pretty much sucks for France.

2. Kyrgyzstan--Seriously, other than occasional revolutions and territory to conquer, what else do they have to offer?

3. Mauritania--Nomads + slavery = worthless country

4. Bono's Ego--After successfully petitioning G8 leaders to forgive African debt, manifest destiny kicked in and the Ego attempted to conquer Canada and parts of Northern Michigan. Turns out rock stars don't make public policy unless money or Jesse Helms is involved.

Named one of Time's "Persons of the Year" and tapped to write a forward to Jeffrey Sach's nonsensical The End of Poverty, his worthlessness is sure to thrive for years to come.

5. FYR Macedonia--Where ethnic tensions flare like sparklers and still result in a shitty economy.

6. Write-In--feel free to vote for Canada/Lithuania/Mexico/Slovakia!

Based on votes and my omnipotent power, Hawkeye Republican will announce the Most Worthless Country of 2005 later in the week!

TOP STORIES OF 2005: Wow, for being a state filled with so many hardworking, ethical Midwesterners, we've sure had a lot of crappy things happen this year.

The best story--I'm rooting for the tornadoes. It's about time that God finally smites Iowa State.

NUSSLE WATCH '05: Once again confirming the age-old stereotype that Republicans are flush with cash, Nussle pulls ahead in the fundraising rat race. Cash and ethics--not to be confused as mutually exclusive words.

SIX INTERESTING SANTA FACTS:

1. The US Government tracks Santa. Unfortunately, the FAA mixed-up some paperwork last year. May Rudolph, Dasher and Comet rest in peace.

2. He occasionally likes to deliver crap from Russia to outer space.

3. Ever since caving to elf demands to lower the retirement age to 55, Santa has had to take on extra jobs.

4. A scoop by a Colorado newspaper reveals that Santa does not have any tattoos. Finally the rumors of North Pole gang wars are dispelled.

5. He is full of cookies, milk, holiday cheer and cocaine.

6. Santa is actually Jewish.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

P.S. Santa--the Russian cocaine and re-drafted elf pension plan will be alongside your cookies and milk.

ENSURING LIVELY DEBATE: We have Ted Kennedy; the House of Commons has 800 pints daily. You do the math.

NICK RYAN DOES HIS JOB WELL: Nussle Volunteer E-mail Czar Nick Ryan certainly keeps the base energized with weekly upates and quick notes of our Nussle's newsworthiness.

Just in case you missed it, President Bush praised Congressman Jim Nussle's leadership, which could be a negative or positive thing depending upon your theory on poll numbers and coat tails.

In a statement about hurricanes, the perennial favorite terrorism and everything else, Dubyah splashed, "I also applaud the House for being wise with taxpayer dollars and approving a significant reduction in spending on entitlements."

Not that we'll ever see a significant reduction in Social Security benefits, but if Bono can be a Person of the Year, hell, anything could happen.

REASON #325 WHY THE UNITED NATIONS IS WORTHLESS: Despite having Angelina Jolie as an ambassador, the United Nations still juggles with tricky multiple cases of failure, and by multiple, I mean every mission undertaken (East Timor, Kosovo, Rwanda, Congo, etc). Details.

To finally address this pressing concern (diplomatic talk for failure), the UN has decided to start a commission to deal with these failures, aptly entitled Mohammad El Baradei and Bono Center for Screwing Things Up. Okay, well they may need to rework that a bit...

PEOPLE OF THE YEAR: Who are clearly plotting to takeover the world...

Read about their evil scheme here.

FINALS ARE OVER: Jesus does love you...or me. Just in time for Christmas.

WEST SIDE STORY GONE WRONG: Okay the riots in Sydney are nothing like West Side Story, but can't you just imagine surfer dudes snapping text messages while cooing to music? No, me neither.

Jeez, put a steak on the barbie and calm down already, people. You're in the Asia-Pacific, not the heart of Europe.

Paging oppression and intolerance--I mean you, France.

BONO UPDATE, PART NEUF: Even though Bono's tour revenue was greater than the GDP of Sao Tome and Principe, I just want to point out that he still hasn't cured AIDS or won the Nobel Peace Prize...yet...

IN THE NEWS: We appreciate farmland. A lot apparently.

FINALS WEEK KILLS PUPPIES: Okay, so that was a shameless attention grabber, but I'm pretty sure that a few accounting professors don't mind nibbling on a Pomeranian or two.

If you are one of the poor, unfortunate souls sludging through a week of hellish papers and even more diabolical scantron sheets, keep in mind that the caffeine crutch can turn deadly. In fact, find out what it may take to do you in.

STOP HATIN' MICHIGAN: We have a better bowl than you--frankly, it is probably because we are better people than you. It's not our fault, Michigan. It's just how the Almighty made us--better than you.

So Michigan, stop hatin'. It's not flattering.

Thanks, Drinkin' From a Firehose.

...WHEN YOU ARE A HORRIBLE COACH: Some things in life are simple; this is one of those one-dimensional, do-you-actively-seek-failure kind of questions--what would help Iowa basketball? Firing Steve Alford.

Nothing personal Steve, but you are a horrible, horrible coach. We're IOWA--we should not have to accept defeat in *gulp* Ames, three times in one athletic season! Ridiculous.

Alford, go take your mediocre, student-alienating, ineffective coaching somewhere else...like UNI...or Iowa State...oh wait, they both beat you.

SILLY RIVERSIDE AND TIFFIN: Please, please, please do not take the rainforest. Pretend you're an American logging company in Brazil.

SANTA LOVES ME...MAYBE: Early Christmas present? Could it be that Jesus loves Iowa that much? The end of Coralville's rainforest shennanigans?

In other rainforest news--really, Governor Ray, I thought more of you than using distributive tactics to get your silly rainforest $40 million in charity. Honestly, what's going to happen next, we lose to Iowa State at something else?

Whoever is hexing Iowa, I sincerely hope that you stop.

MORE ON FINALS WEEK: I'm actually going to blame my poor grammar and punctuation on Finals Week too.

I am shaking my fist at you, Finals Week.

DEAR READERS PLEASE NOTE: The below entry is an aberration--a completely dull, uninteresting rant about snow removal that will actually never occur, which sprang from my belly, due to the frustrations of Finals Week.

Yes, I said my belly and yes, I am blaming Finals Week for my dullness. That and the fact I have to fly out to New York in three days for an interview that matters more to me than a lifetime supply of Starbucks.

And a lifetime supply of Starbucks would save me approximately $54,750.

FINALS ARE AWESOME: No they are not. But, please allow me a moment to rant about the City of Iowa City's completely ineffective snow removal. City Officials, please note that "snow removal" actually requires snow removal.

It's not enough that you have to ticket anything that moves (and hey, squirrels deserve more respect--shoot, I mean freshman), but now you can't even provide one of the most basic of government services?

By the looks of our snow-covered streets, clearly not.

HAWKEYE SPORTS DEPRESS ME GREATLY If it wasn't enough that we had to lose to Northwestern in football jeopardizing our chances at a good bowl, now Hawkeye basketball loses to UNI. UNI. Yes, the University of Northern Iowa--home of a Donutland with tons of potholes in the parking lot and a substandard university (sorry UNI grads, but you know it's true).

However, if I didn't hate Steve Alford so much, I might actually care. In fact, I can forget about the whole UNI blip on the radar, because we're going to Tampa, baby!

CHRISTMAS WARS: Proving that the Bush administration can't do anything right, right-wingers are now even angry at the White House's choice in card--holiday card.

You'd think that it'd be a pretty cool thing to be one of George and Laura's 1.4 million closest friends--heck, I sure was excited to get my card with frolicking pets in the mail--but, it turn out that our good 'ol evangelicals want a bit more of the JC, instead of Miss Beazely.

In typical brimstone and licking flames of hell fashion, WorldNetDaily.com editor Joseph Farah has derided Bush for his unchristian like behavior claiming (imagine hands thrusting through the air passionately while standing behind pulpit), "[He] claims to be a born-again, evangelical Christian--but he sure doesn't act like one."

To which I say--that is the awesomest news of the day. Yes, awesomest. Now if only Ann Coulter could come down with avian flu and Bill Frist would get his robotic ass in gear for some Medicare (I'd even settle for Social Security) reform, then I might have a little more faith in the prospects of the Republican Party.

That would be the awesomest thing ever.

BLOGGING INFREQUENT THIS WEEK, LUCKY YOU: But, in my absence, here's a little something to tide yourself over with:

A SCANTILY CLAD CELEBRITY AT LIVE 8: Surprise, surprise. Why don't you suit over it? Oh wait, you did.

THE ACLU HATES REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS AND INDEPENDENTS: But, apparently loves Greens and Libertarians--or so their most recent law suit of the moment might show.

Ballot Access News reports that:

"On September 15, 2005, the ACLU of Iowa sued the state, over the policy of forcing all voters to register Republican, Democratic or Independent. The suit was on behalf of the Green and Libertarian Parties. The state has still not responded to the complaint, but has promised to do so on December 7."

What's the problem? We all know that, much like unicorns, libertarians aren't real.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE?: Classes got you down? Tired of wasting your life away shuffling from meeting to meaningless meeting? All of your favorite shows keep getting canceled by the networks and dammit, you can't find a parking spot! One more ticket, University Parking authorities--I just dare you!!!

Well, congratulations. Get used to it. Welcome to life. It sucks. Then you die.

Unless, of course, you evade taxes in between, in which case life still sucks. However, your worthless spawn get to inherit the fruit of your labor, which will STILL be taxed mercilessly.

In summary, life sucks. Then you die, but at least you aren't Paul Martin.

I'm going to go study for some finals now.