Hawkeye Republican

EUROPEAN EDITION: In an effort to fulfill every conservative stereotype ever, please welcome a new series--the Most Irrelevant Country of the Week.

And no, I'm not starting with France.

This week, let's take a brief look at the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. Nestled between equally irrelevant, war-torn/terrorist-stricken/former Soviet satellites/economically depressed countries Albania, Serbia and Montenegro, Bulgaria and Greece, FYR Macedonia suffers from instability due to a vocal Albanian minority.

Still embroiled in border disputes, FYR Macedonia only recently made peace with Greece and Yugoslavia. However, confidential government memos reveal that Yugoslavian officials really didn't care, because it's not like they were dealing with Canada or something. Because, Canadians at least have mounties.

Landlocked and a major exporter of always hot commodities cloth, iron and steal, FYR has great prospects to hold no strategic interest or add economic value to the world for decades to come.

Congratulations, all you Macedonians--you live in one of the most irrelevant places in the world.

Proving that the rest of the world doesn't matter, one country at a time...

BECAUSE WORKING WITH ENORMOUS, MULTINATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS NEVER HELPS: Or so reports Scotland's Sunday Herald. Sorry, Bono.

Since I have nothing worthwhile to contribute to the discussion on Samuel Alito Jr.'s appointment to the Supreme Court, let's play everyone's favorite "Guess What They're REALLY Thinking" with Alito's family picture.

For Laura, is it:

a) OMG, the cameramen from FoxNews are so much cuter than CNN's.
b) Dad, quit being such an activist judge and let me have a 2:00 AM curfew.
c) "It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you/But when we are apart I feel it too..."

For Philip, is it:

a) Dude, I am such a lock for Conservative Single magazine's 50 Most Eligible Bachelors.
b) How did I get screwed out of Samuel III?
c) Dad, if you don't sound intelligent speaking after President Bush...

For Martha, is it:

a) Honey, I love you and I'm proud of everything you've done for our family.
b) So you got nominated to the Supreme Court? Big deal, you still mix whites and colors in the laundry.
c) I swear I'm gonna smack Chuck Schumer the next time he says the word "mainstream".

For President Bill Clinton's background portrait, is it (take a deep breath first):

a) My fellow Americans, I did not have sexual relations with either of the two women standing in front of me.
b) Not that Laura's not an attractive, successful young woman with great leadership potential.
c) Look at these suckers in front of me. Too bad I brazenly appointed Ruth Ginsberg to the court over a decade ago.

Good selection by the President. Maybe this is what Reagan meant by Morning in America.

BACK IN TOWN: But, not for long...

I recently was invited to attend the Global Entrepreneurs Conference, which will be held November 12-13th at Northwestern. Jeez, pretty soon I'm going to have to start my own business or something to keep getting invited to this stuff.

Then, of course, I'll be gone this weekend scoping out banking in Chicago.

On a separate, but slightly related note, I was selected as the National Collegiate Entrepreneurs' Organization second best student leader of the year.

I now know what it felt like to be *NSYNC in the early 2000's...

OUT OF TOWN: Hey kittens, I'll be out of town the next several days to the National Collegiate Entrepreneurs Conference. See you when I get back!

HOLDING DOORS, BAKING PIES: Upon entering the vestibule of Starbucks on my way to order a grande nonfat no-whip mocha, a funny thing happened--a young North Face-clad student stopped to hold the door.

In college towns, in fact in most towns, chivalry is on a respirator. There are stunningly few men who understand that yes, holding doors, paying for dates and offering to do the heavy lifting--among other gender distinct roles--is okay. We're not all feminists who snap off heads and shout bias while bed-hopping, defending abortion and lamenting our past injustices.

Shortly after this incident a great friend, former Heritage colleague and current public policy fellow at Pacific Research Institute, e-mailed me an article produced by her firm about an amazing phenomenon.

A recently submitted questionnaire at Yale found that a whopping 60% of female respondents plan to stop working after having children...and PRi's Sally Pipes has a 'lil somethin', somethin' to say.

Opening doors to bake more pies? Or, preventing your child from picking up 13 deadly strains of influenza and a bladder infection at daycare? You decide.

I was impressed with the overwhelming amount of people who wore black to the game on Saturday, but I must admit that I could not help myself from laughing at some that didn’t get the memo. A particular portly gentleman caught my eye all the way across Kinnick in a sea of black for wearing a shirt that was not even gold, but resembled what could be classified as a bright lemon yellow.

While it’s a great concept that fosters school spirit and unity, I don’t think students need any encouragement from the University to black out. It may have seemed to be a clever idea inspired by Penn State’s “White Out” of their student section, but Hawk fans have been blacking out for quite some time. Just take a walk through Olive Court or any other popular tailgating spot on any given football Saturday and you will find overwhelming evidence in support of my theory--which can be further validated by the conceivable spike in Anheuser-Busch beverage sales figures for Eastern Iowa every home football weekend.

While the University of Iowa as an institution looks down on binge drinking, I think by officially declaring the Michigan game “Black Out Saturday” they were ultimately asking for it. Students at a school that the Princeton Review ranks #7 for ‘Lots Of Hard Liquor’ and #8 for both ‘Lots Of Beer’ and ‘Party Schools’ do not need any additional motivation to black out.

Additionally, I am shocked that use of a color by the University did not cause uproar amongst liberals that like to associate every color with a negative connotation.

Even though I thoroughly enjoyed the little towel we all received as generous gifts in the Student Section to commemorate Black Out Saturday, the devastating overtime loss to Michigan which marked the end to the home winning streak of the Hawkeyes left me devastated to the point where later that evening I no choice but to attempt to alleviate my sorrows and follow the University’s orders to truly make it “Black Out Saturday.”

To warm your frigid spirits on this miserable October weekend of cold temperatures and broken streaks, look no further than Howard Dean's historic visit to Maine, where the temperature and college football bowl game prospects are far lower. At a Democratic fundraiser, Dean remarked "I'm tired of the ayatollahs of the right wing. We're fighting for freedom in Iraq. We're going to fight for freedom in America.", apparently in reference to Republican intervention in the Terri Schiavo custody battle. While we can all debate the procedural legality of such action, no one save the public face of the Democratic party would liken one side of that debate to the Iranian religious cleric who made Jimmy Carter look like a sissy. For him to posit such heated nonsense makes me skeptical of the current strength of the Democtats electoral prospects, despite the numerous difficulties faced by the Republican majority.

A policy point: Dean also called for the strengthening of campaign finance reform laws in light of the Republican majority's "culture of corruption". You'll remember that campaign finance reform legislation limited the political expression of individuals by capping the amount of money they could give to political campaigns. Instead of corraling money's 'corruptive' influence on politics, it drove those contributions to ideological special interests while limiting free expression in more respectable political activities. Contrast that fact with Dean's sonorous call to "fight for freedom in American", and you'll understand why the rhetoric in Maine warms the hearts of Hawkeye Republican readers everywhere.

News article tip: Matt Drudge

UI DROPS 'PINK' ISSUE: We get to keep our lovely locker rooms.

Great, now we can get back to playing shitty football.

DIVERSIFYING OPINION: Loyal Hawkeye Republican readers--the whole three of you that are out there--over the next few weeks we'll be changing a tad. You know, more bloggers who don't just whine about the color pink and Bono.

More bloggers. It's a good thing.

Cheers!

WEAR WITH UGG BOOTS, PLEASE: The University of Iowa is the fashion capital of...uh...the Midwest...okay, well, excluding Chicago.

With our influx of Chicagoans--prepped to flood into the business school and communications department with their lux BMWs and ability to shell out $10 for lunch--regular Iowans are forced to attempt to be stylish.

Attempt.

Any business students knows that the key to fashion success is North Face. Yes, North Face. As weather dips hellishly below 50 degrees to signal our quick ascent into winter, students are coming out in force showcasing the latest trend--furry children's North Face.

Wow, not only do college students act like rabbits, but now we look like 'em too!

CLARIFICATION: I do not want to be a WASP. I was just letting the liberal man get me down.

THE DEEP THOUGHTS OF A MAYFLOWER DESCENDANT: My political views are pretty well-known on campus (i.e. to say that one is a "libertarian" is to say one is spineless, the term feminism is degrading toward women, Robert Bork wrote a great article in the Journal today, to be a libertarian is not hip and cool, but rather vile and disgusting...among others...), but today someone combated my arguments by dubbing me a "WASP."

Now, what truly is a WASP?

According to Wikipedia, WASP (an acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) is a term that denotes the culture, customs, and heritage of the American elite establishment.

Well crap, guess I'm a WASP.

SUPREME SURVEYS: Harriet Miers is totally unqualified to serve on the Supreme Court.

In related news, bear shits in woods.

JOHN R. BOLTON FOR UN AMBASSADOR: Do you have to struggle to keep a straight face when refugees are discussed? Are you complacent about Franco and hate hippies? Do you think that it's the inevitable course of world history that the rich and powerful invade the poor and weak? Do you think that putting a man on the moon is a more important development in world history than putting a bone in a tribal nose? Then you probably support John Bolton.

Hawkeye Republican is dedicated to the Cult of John R. Bolton, President Bush's nominee to be the US Ambassador to the United Nations.

Reasons why John R. Bolton's confirmation is a good thing and his oft-cited quotes:

"The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

Of Vice-President Al Gore, "He has a preference for condoms and trees instead of markets."

Condemning Pinochet's extradition to Spain for an estimated 3,000 killings and missing-persons cases, "Chileans made their choice, and have lived with it."

Why the hell are Sudan and Zimbabwe on the UN Commission on Human Rights? Isn't it f**king hilarious that the Europeans are rejecting the EU? Do you condemn multilateralism?

Chances are you probably want to further the Cult of John R. Bolton, a great American hero.

WELCOME NEW COGS: Congratulations to our 12 newly elected University of Iowa Student Government senators:

Danielle Rub, Alan Stewart, Ted Stopulos, Kendall Sater, Amy Cheng, Adam Large, Carrie Janura, Lee Langdon, Maison Bleam, Stacey Alex, Jillian Barber, and Chad Chase.

We also have a new Asian-American Coalition Senator, Ben Mai. For the record, he is not serving a special interest group. And, for the record, when I type "not," I mean "is."

COLORFUL KINNICK: THIS is the color that supposedly offends women and denigrates homosexuals? As previously noted, a major controversy has erupted at the University of Iowa, regarding Kinnick Stadium's pink visitor's locker room.

But, really. Looking at this picture, there is more pink on Alan Greenspan's tie than in this locker room...it's just colored a dignified maroon, really. Apparently, the NCAA recertification committee agrees.

Alas, there is nothing like seeing three sandust pink urinals on the top fold of your newspaper first thing in the morning...

UNDER SLIGHTLY FALSE PRETENSES: Today and tomorrow Iowa students will vote in special elections to fill vacant senate seats.

With a near record number of candidates (27), a flurry of advertisements and a concerted campus-wide push from Student Elections Board and UISG, turnout should actually be significant.

The convincing voting lure is the enormous hunk of student fee money that UISG allocates--over $1 million annually--to our 400+ student organizations.

"It is very important that students vote," said Bridget Henry, the director of the Student Elections Board. "These are the people who will make decisions that will affect them."

UISG's $1 million budget funds student groups, so the election is important for anyone involved in campus organizations, she said.

However, as a Student Allocation and Budgeting Committee (SABAC) member, I can tell you that the twelve newly elected senators won't get much say in the direction of those funds.

Sure, they'll vote with the Assembly as a whole over the allocations, but very rarely does one cog in the machine slow down the well-oiled machine of approval.

SABAC allocates the cash. Not $1 million either, but a little over $500,000. Office of Student Life overhead snaps up a big percentage.

Big government--that's how UISG works.

HEART HEALTHY NORTH CAROLINA: Behold the deep-fried strawberry and mashed potato martini.

And I thought the deep-fried Snickers at the Iowa State Fair was bad news...

BUILDING THE ROAD FOR AMERICA'S FUTURE: Or not, as is the case for one Arizona school district.

After spending nearly $7 million to build a state-of-the-art school, the school district ran out of money to build a road to the school.

Worse yet, the project is also overbudget and overdue:

"The new Tombstone High School, funded by the Arizona School Facilities Board, is about 15 months behind schedule and about $600,000 over initial budget estimates."

Huh. Hopefully our K-12 curriculum in America is planned out this well.

#1 SIGN THERE IS TOO MUCH ALCOHOL ON CAMPUS: The first sentence on the frontpage of your college newspaper is:

"Apparently, students aren't the only ones getting hammered."

Okay, you say, maybe professors and university officials like to indulge in the occasional Yuengling. No? Really? Hmmm...who else could be getting hammered...hmmm...John Kerry's gone...I don't see Ted Kennedy anywhere...I wonder...

Uh, no...you're not serious? It's the birds?!?!?!?!? Like the flu, our partying antics have infiltrated the avian community?

According to the always informative Daily Iowan:

"Local citizens have reported drunken pigeons and doves in the downtown Iowa City area in the past few days - seemingly intoxicated because they were found stumbling around in a daze, officials said."

The article goes on to explain that this phenomenon is due to the existence of mycotoxins in maturing Iowa grain. Either that or Iowa tailgaters are forcing pigeons to play flippy cup and do beer bongs.

Expert opinion really splits both ways. Investigative journalism at it's best, people.

GIVING YOU NOTICE: I love Iowa. This blog makes that absolute fact pretty darn apparent. Not that I really need any time to determine which place is better--Iowa or Greece. It's really not even a question or thought, but yet here I am planning to leave the greatest place in the world to "expand my horizons."

Despite my devotion to the Hawkeye state and all things politics, this Spring I will be studying (finance...annuities are awesome!) in Thessaloniki, Greece.

Come February, this blog might turn into Balkan Republican. Be prepared.

By the way, I love Iowa and corn.

Another Reason to Move to Iowa...We have really low insurance premiums.

BUSHELS AND BUSHELS: According to the Des Moines Register, Iowa is set to again lead the nation in corn and soybean production.

That's right, Nebraska and Illinois, don't even try to compete with our superior ability to create the raw materials for ethanol and organic products...uh, and farm subsidies...

NOT A CONVICTED FELON, PROMISE: Meet Scott Hurff. Although not an Iowan (alas, only a few of us are so blessed) or technically one of the "D.C. folks who keep us humming," Mr. Hurff of Wake Forest University is a dear ally and friend who loves Starbucks and conservatives.

You can now find What's the Deal? on this site's blogroll.

Consider him my Harriet Miers. Rumor has it Scott headed up the North Carolina Lotto Commission.

STOMACHING POLITICAL VIEWS: No bad puns. The title and cartoon is all the funny you get in this post...and that wasn't even funny, just mildly clever.

What I would like to address, however, is my recent decision to become "anonymous"--switching from my name to the alias "Hawkeye Republican."

First, what would motivate me to do this? Chiefly, my desire was to ensure that my political views would not hamper any future efforts to find employment. Employers do google I hear. I am a college student and I do need to make an income at some point.

However, it is pretty obvious that having an internship with the Heritage Foundation and the Ronald Reagan Future Leaders Scholarship on my resume will give away the game.

Drat. I'm back to being me. I guess I will be gainfully unemployed.

UH, CONGRATULATIONS MR. EL-BARADEI?: I'm sorry, do we now give the Nobel Peace Prize to the set of dudes who do the least to foster peace, but further the proliferation of nuclear technology? I've been taking midterms for awhile, I may have missed the memo.

Maybe they opened the wrong envelope?

This is like that time at the Academy Awards last year when that stupid Morgan Freeman won the Oscar for best supporting actor in Million Dollar Baby, instead of Jamie Foxx in Collateral. You know, that Jamie Foxx can sing good.

JOHN KERRY COOLS DOWN CEDAR RAPIDS: Not that John Kerry waving corn or President Bush smacking into a raw ear of corn at all relates to this post's subject matter--but, I have that power.

Dang, every time we give a senator or congressman a recess or break they undoubtedly molest some poor, innocent community with high-minded rhetoric...or campaign for a city council candidate.

After further eroding the judicial confirmation process in America, John Kerry made full use of his Columbus Day sabbatical by swinging by good old Cedar Rapids to stump for Justin Shields. According to Shields:

"I am so proud to have Senator Kerry for my friend and I think it's a very positive thing for Cedar Rapids."

Hmmm...as a lifelong Cedar Rapidian, I can think of a lot of good things for Cedar Rapids, Justin...a new monkey exhibit in Beaver Park, maybe the introduction of a White Castle or Popeye's to town, the rejuvenation of Westdale Mall, but definitely not your friendship with a Massachusetts senator with no constituency obligations.

But, I guess it's a good thing that liberal senators are interested in municipal elections. Hey, maybe they can find a way to federalize them to provide subsidies and implement an election welfare system?

Hey John, school board elections are next November.

JIM LEACH SHARES: Iowa's own pro-business, sometimes (okay, always) suspected liberal conservative, spoke to my commercial banking class about the most important piece of banking legislation in a century.

Talk about constituency services. Find out more.

NOT THE DONKEY, BUT CLOSE: Seriously, between my commericial banking midterm tomorrow, the conservative cabash--none other than the Philadelphia Society--I'll be attending over the weekend in Milwaukee, two midterms (one killer in real estate) on Tuesday...along with an undoubtedly five-hour long SABAC meeting,(whoopee, appropriations to disgruntled student groups!) there may not be many posts this week or next.

Plus, I may be traveling to Omaha next weekend. A week off (but a game weekend!), then Orlando and Chicago. Crazy.

Apologies--this clearly fits under the category of complaining, but somebody has got to do it. And no, Senate Judiciary Committee, I'm not talking to you.

FUNNY STUFF FROM THE DI'S JOHN CROTTY: As a member of the Student Allocation and Budgeting Committee (SABAC), I see a lot of funding requests from worthy--some not so worthy--student groups.

However, with only about $25,000 to allocate during each supplemental period in the face of over $90,000 in requests, there are often some shortfalls.

In comes the DI with a very clever and close to home commentary on Recent Requests for UI Student Organization Funding:

Macbride Falconry Club: $7,500 for purchase of rare Giant African Falcon

Falconry Club one week later: $895 for purchase of high-powered falcon rifle

Coalition of Graduate Students: $35,000 for spending--money to tide them over while they strike against the university

Men's Rowing Team: $10 for earplugs to block out heckling from homeless under the bridge

Associated Daum: $4,000 for dead bolts to keep out drunk, angry Burge kids

Hawkeye Flippy Cup Team: $950 for seven German engineered, precision-balanced plastic cups, and $950 for a year's supply of American-engineered, Milwaukee-brewed Keystone Light

So true.

MORE ON PINK: Lovely how commerce nearly always seems to profit from controversy. At the University of Iowa, pink t-shirts are apparently flying off the shelves since the hypersensitive blog posting of an adjunct law professor garnered regional attention for her scathing criticism of Kinnick's pink locker rooms.

Great. More pink shirts. I agree with all of you, but it's Homecoming people. Shelve the pink--dawn the black and gold at least until Sunday.