Hawkeye Republican

#1 SIGN THERE IS TOO MUCH ALCOHOL ON CAMPUS: The first sentence on the frontpage of your college newspaper is:

"Apparently, students aren't the only ones getting hammered."

Okay, you say, maybe professors and university officials like to indulge in the occasional Yuengling. No? Really? Hmmm...who else could be getting hammered...hmmm...John Kerry's gone...I don't see Ted Kennedy anywhere...I wonder...

Uh, no...you're not serious? It's the birds?!?!?!?!? Like the flu, our partying antics have infiltrated the avian community?

According to the always informative Daily Iowan:

"Local citizens have reported drunken pigeons and doves in the downtown Iowa City area in the past few days - seemingly intoxicated because they were found stumbling around in a daze, officials said."

The article goes on to explain that this phenomenon is due to the existence of mycotoxins in maturing Iowa grain. Either that or Iowa tailgaters are forcing pigeons to play flippy cup and do beer bongs.

Expert opinion really splits both ways. Investigative journalism at it's best, people.