Hawkeye Republican

BECAUSE THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN BEING THE MAYOR OF CORALVILLE IS BUILDING A STUPID RAINFOREST:

Dear Mayor Fausett,

Look, let me first say that it was probably a little rash of me to imply that your position as mayor of Coralville is stupid. Coralville is a great town, full of a mall, lots of restaurants on one's way into or out of Iowa City and hopefully, never, ever, ever a rainforest.

All Iowans can admit that the initial idea behind this "rainforest" was great. Oh you clever rascals, naming your federal dollar thirsty behemoth "Iowa Child." We love children in Iowa. Then there was the whole rainforest concept itself. Rain in Iowa...with forest, instead of prairie...great. Ever since all of those Bridges of Madison County and Field of Dreams tourists dried up, we've really been looking for a way to saddle up our state with a pork project to open the flood gates of tourists.

But, Mayor Fausett, there is a reason that no respectable city--Cedar Rapids, Des Moines and Iowa City included--with the exception of your dear strip of a town wanted the rainforest. Not that I don't respect Ted Townsend for diligently peddling his $300 million monstrosity since 1996 or former Governor Robert Ray and Senator Chuck Grassley for their support, but now we need to think about the children.

What do the children want? Do the children want a federally-dependent sinkhole project, which requires an estimated 1.3 million visitors annually to continue to fester or, uh, other stuff? Clearly, other stuff.

Former Governor Robert Ray's most recent letter demanding support and the fulfillment of certain criteria is a wake-up call. Okay, more like multiple alarms sounding at once over the period of hours. Nonetheless, you can smell the sweet aroma of coffee wafting upstairs along with, what's that--bacon. It's time to carve up this pig and get out the old frying pan.

And that is all, Mayor Fausett, I just ask you to kill the pork.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen Who Occasionally Enjoys Bacon and Coffee