Hawkeye Republican

ARRR: Although this grand occasion has come and gone, yesterday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, even if you didn't incorporate Pirates of the Caribbean talk into your day, what the heck, make it a week!

To learn this lost art, I suggest studying Cap'n Slappy. Find below a valuable nugget of Slappy's advice.


Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Do you have to have a Parrot to be a pirate or talk like one??

Ahoy Parrot-head!

It's "Talk Like a Pirate" day, NOT "Talk Like a Parrot" day! The parrot is as much a part of Talk Like a Pirate Day as it would be at a Jimmy Buffet concert. Nice set dressing, but it doesn't make the songs any sweeter! The best parrots are the "stuffed/dead" ones. Unless you like to dress in newsprint.

Could you imagine "Talk Like a Parrot Day?" People would be gutting each other in the streets. "STOP REPEATING WHAT I SAY IN THAT HIGH NASAL VOICE! YOU #*#@($)#@!!!" people would say just before slitting you open with their cutlass.

Now, if you have a parrot, that's great! Treat them with care and they will be great gifts for your great grand children, but for the love of Neptune, leave them in their cages on September 19. And for Jimmy's sake, don't take them to the concert!

- Cap'n Slappy